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April 13th, 2010


06:00 pm - Alas...
My job is no longer.
If anyone is looking for programmers let me know.

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June 27th, 2009


02:55 am - The grey.
A death means something only if it means something to you.
If it does not then you can mock, you can sympathise, but either means nothing.
It is not your story.
Not all of them are.

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May 18th, 2009


12:35 am - The darkness behind Torchwood's lights
After watching all of Torchwood for the 2nd time I've decided that most people really miss something behind it.
There are a lot of distracting things about the series and I think most people get lost in the "fluff".
Firstly there is the sexuality which is obviously fluff and the same as in anything else, just to sell the show. Whether it works or not is up to personal taste, as it always is.
The thing that most people miss is that all the sci-fi and aliens and time-travel is _also_ total fluff. It's completely irrelevant to the story that is being told. Torchwood could be set in the Wild West or in any of the Wars or in the Black Plague and it would still work perfectly.
Torchwood is all about death.
Every episode.
Even in terms of an episodic show it does not have any usual kind of overreaching arc, instead it is a mosaic of possibilities of death and things that may be equivalent to death.
Every episode explores how we die, how we deal with death, what's worse that death or equal to it, how we should approach death from either side, what is worth killing for and living for and dying for and pretty much any other permutation you can think of...
The show is flippant and mostly lighthearted but at it's heart it is deadly serious and this mosaic approach to covering a topic is unique and interesting in itself.
It's not an experiment that works flawlessly, it's no real surprise that the the 2nd season flows a lot smoother than the first, but if you look at most of the problems with the first season, the episodes that are boring or dull (such as the episode where people from the past flew into the present) are actually fulfilling a very specific role in filling out the description of death, and the episodes where aliens are not to blame and it is humans instead are not actually the anomalies they appear to be but are pivotal to the entire show.

Overall there are lots of good and bad things about the show, I think it's a lot more interesting when you scrape away the fluff and take it as a philosophical journey. The biggest downfall is that it does not, yet, explore what death _is_, that it argues there is nothing afterwards for everyone regardless of belief or circumstance. I'm not sure there was space for that exploration in the first two seasons, that they had enough to cover, hopefully that will come up when Torchwood returns - it was probably too blatant to look at earlier anyway, they needed to keep people thinking that the fluff was the point.

But, yes, I can see a version of Torchwood set during the Black Plague, quarantining an area (which is essentially what they are doing) with a mix of priests and physicians and knights, dealing with escapees and ruminating on the nature of existence...

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December 2nd, 2008


02:17 pm - Changes
I'm now a father.

fuschia17 and I have a son, Sebastian.


As usual I'm slow to do anything and everything (such as announce it in the first place)

He is very very tiny.

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October 8th, 2008


04:51 pm - Odd but serious question...
Anyone own a staple gun?

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September 23rd, 2008


01:13 pm - Am I there yet?
?

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September 19th, 2008


04:39 am - ...
I'm almost at the crossroads.
I can't see it from here, but I know it's close;
I'm fairly certain, I just came from there,
I just got turned around a bit...
...in the dark.

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June 13th, 2008


02:39 pm - Research.
On the surface the word is harmless, but underneath the skin it sparks nervous memories along our muscles, coercing the hairs on the back of our necks to attention. There is an evocation of bright lights half-forgotten, of needles and testtubes and men in masks that we have pushed fervently away. It is the reason hospitals make us uncomfortable, not the places themselves, but the unremembered sense of research they can't help but trigger deep below our consciousness.
This idyll suburb seems poorly named at first. Apart from the roadworks everything seems perfect almost and the trees watch over it all greenly and whisper to each other. The natives smile, even at me, and it seems friendly enough at first till I realise they are simply baring their teeth.
I feel like prey in their mid, wich would perhaps appeal to these cuckoos. The fear paralysing me a definite step for'd. Wives tales I tell myself: I am just unused to humanity or community or leaving the house. The most normal society in the world would appear like this to me.
Hence my fear... I cannot let them see me react... If they are innocent then I would become the one to scare them and if they are not... I dare not let them know I am aware.

Send help.

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April 14th, 2008


07:48 pm - Inch by careful inch.
Today I was gene-tested for narcolepsy.

My slow divergence from human baseline continues.

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January 17th, 2008


03:16 pm - On Hibernatin'...
Long before I found out how sick I really was I'd already stopped doing an awful lot of stuff...
I'd generally feel like catching up with someone and would start making plans but would then get tired or sore or sick or upset and not feel up to it anymore and would cancel things or just not show up...
After a while I worked out that I was doing this (though I still didn't quite know why) and I just stopped trying to catch up with anyone, because I was tired of it falling apart and other people being constantly disappointed and me being always stressed.
Getting properly sick made it all a bit clearer... I'd been having trouble for a long long while...
As far as I can see, "wanting to catch up with someone" was as close as I was getting to ever having a "high" as it were, and even then it rarely lasted more than a day before I crashed again. My baseline is extremely low...
So I mumble in my bear-like sleep, roll over and return to the depths.

Anyway... I'm trying to actually get back in touch with people and do things again. Honestly? I'm not up to it... But I need to at least try every now and then...
Unfortunately groups are far far more stressful than individuals, so I can't get things out of the way in any kind of fell swoop. I've been getting panic attacks when I even think of going to parties (cause I have tried thinking about it!) The other thing that causes panic attacks is talking on the phone, which doesn't quite help either. (Oh, and I cancelled my home phone since it was therefore rather useless.)

So hopefully you'll start hearing from me again this year in bits and pieces... I am absolutely certain that I'll have more failures than successes even when it just comes to showing up...
But I haven't disappeared.
I still think fondly of you all and one fine day we might even inhabit the same universe again!

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